i don’t think i’ve ever felt as alone as i do in this moment
what is it about parents anyway? why is it that it’s so easy for them to make us feel bad? -JD, Scrubs
i’m back
so i’m in the middle of an identity crisis. my identity crisis? i feel like i don’t deserve to be here. i feel like i don’t deserve anything anymore. i so badly want to be a part of something, but i have no idea what. college is supposed to be a place where you find yourself, but i feel like i’ve only found out that i’m stuck being the girl i’ve always been. i don’t have anything. i don’t do anything worthy of anything. i used to have classes and grades, but now i’m on academic fucking probation and i don’t have any of that. i feel so restless. i want to do something and i want to be somebody but i feel like it’s too late and if it’s not then i feel like i don’t know where to start.
i feel like i don’t deserve to be here. i’ve done nothing to show that i do. i swore that i’d do things differently this time, because i got my second chance and i started out perfectly. i made myself the perfect applicant, and then i got here and fucked it all up. how did i miss that i was completely ruining myself last year? where the hell was i? what was so worth the waste?
i have people. i never cared that i didn’t have filler friends or didn’t network with a thousand of my classmates. but now i feel like i need to get out there so i can find something new, whatever it is. but today i realized that i have absolutely nothing to offer. why would anyone want to be friends with me? what do i have to bring to the table? yeah, let me try and answer that and maybe we’ll get somewhere
i’m 20 years old. i should be able to deal with this. i am not at the same crossroads as i was when i was 15. i’m more mature now. but why do i feel like it’s exactly the same?
i wanna be able to accept the mess. i don’t deserve him, or anyone to take any interest in me. i kinda wish you didn’t meet worthy people when you were at your semi rock bottom. it makes it hard to feel like you haven’t missed out because you were here. you don’t wanna be here. you wanna be where you thought you would 8 months ago. how could i have not forseen this. was i joking myself that i could just make it up?
just call me ana
you know, ever since i read lena’s post that day, i can’t seem to get out of my head. i can’t seem to unrelate, or shrug off what she said. i’m too connected, and i can’t help but wish i wasn’t.
lately, i haven’t felt the calorie-consuming thoughts, and i haven’t felt like i need to control the bites of what i ate, but i have felt the not eating.
i’ve felt the anti-appetite. for god sake, i went to the health center because i thought there was something seriously wrong with me and my stomach. the stress, i guess, just got to me. but the lack of appetite has been killing me, and i only seem to consume when i feel like its out of necessity or as a munch-crunch habit while i’m focusing on something ele.
i never really explained this to anyone but my roommate last year, but i can’t seem to eat without doing something else. like last year, i would always always always eat my meals in front of the tv while i was watching my daily episode of friends. otherwise. eating seemed too time consuming. it wansn’t the anorexia, but it was as if it was some imposter in her role. i could eat socially, and actually very much enjoyed going out to eat and ordering lavishly. but alone, couldn’t do it.
and now, i’m coming to feel the same feelings. after marathon training, there’s no real motive to my appetite. and it’s not even as though its just normaled. it’s not there. and i think it’s scary that i have to remind myself to eat. and that my thought process goes like “well eating is just going to make me sluggish” so maybe i just won’t. or maybe ill eat JUST enough to keep my stomach from making awkward noises.
it’s kind of weird. and its scary. and now, i only wish i could tell my best friend. he deserves to know and understand, because i know he just wants to help. but i semi-hope it will all just go away and that i really don’t need to worry him becaue i just want to be there. and i also semi-want it to stay. because i need my anorexia. because i have nothing else. nothing.
i feel like there’s a lot to say to my best friend right now. i mean, i don’t think he knows that he is actually my best friend. there’s not enough obnoxiousness to make him decide he doesn’t want to listen. he’s there. and i just want to be there for someone. i want to be there for him. what is my life nowadays? backing in my semi-failures. which, don’t get me wrong, have an overall purpose. but still, i feel like i’m in between. and that’s the worst place to be. because i have all this uncertainty. i feel like i haven’t given myself completely to one single aspect, and therefore, i have failed at everything and really, accomplished nothing at all.
ahhh im losing my train of thought. i wish i had a computer at hand at all times so i could just let it all out. but i feel like it happens in the moment, and i live it, and then i lose it. its all a blur.
I don’t know how i got here.
