just call me ana
you know, ever since i read lena’s post that day, i can’t seem to get out of my head. i can’t seem to unrelate, or shrug off what she said. i’m too connected, and i can’t help but wish i wasn’t.
lately, i haven’t felt the calorie-consuming thoughts, and i haven’t felt like i need to control the bites of what i ate, but i have felt the not eating.
i’ve felt the anti-appetite. for god sake, i went to the health center because i thought there was something seriously wrong with me and my stomach. the stress, i guess, just got to me. but the lack of appetite has been killing me, and i only seem to consume when i feel like its out of necessity or as a munch-crunch habit while i’m focusing on something ele.
i never really explained this to anyone but my roommate last year, but i can’t seem to eat without doing something else. like last year, i would always always always eat my meals in front of the tv while i was watching my daily episode of friends. otherwise. eating seemed too time consuming. it wansn’t the anorexia, but it was as if it was some imposter in her role. i could eat socially, and actually very much enjoyed going out to eat and ordering lavishly. but alone, couldn’t do it.
and now, i’m coming to feel the same feelings. after marathon training, there’s no real motive to my appetite. and it’s not even as though its just normaled. it’s not there. and i think it’s scary that i have to remind myself to eat. and that my thought process goes like “well eating is just going to make me sluggish” so maybe i just won’t. or maybe ill eat JUST enough to keep my stomach from making awkward noises.
it’s kind of weird. and its scary. and now, i only wish i could tell my best friend. he deserves to know and understand, because i know he just wants to help. but i semi-hope it will all just go away and that i really don’t need to worry him becaue i just want to be there. and i also semi-want it to stay. because i need my anorexia. because i have nothing else. nothing.
